You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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