I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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