I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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