You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
