On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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