There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
