I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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