dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
