she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
