That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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