Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
