last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
