i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
