I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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