I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
