I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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