I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
