so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
