The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
