I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
