He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
