I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
