i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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