what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
