I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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