I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
