i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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