why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
