Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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