So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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