I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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