If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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