so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
