nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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