i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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