i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
