out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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