I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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