He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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