no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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