I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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