one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
