I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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