I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
