Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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