I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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