i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
