i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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