Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
