I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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